Okay, this is going to sound stupid but I have never really thought about my mother dying.  I know she is 88-years old.  But honestly, somewhere after my sister and father died, it seemed my mother and I would just continue on along.  Her siblings passed away-all of them.  Her three sisters that she was closest to; Nova, Betty and Bill (yes, she had a sister named Bill) died several years ago.  And again, it was just like she and I would continue on.  Until what, I cannot say.  Somehow it felt like I couldn’t possibly die because losing another daughter would be way too hard on my mom.  And she couldn’t die, well, just because I guess I never confronted it before.

Yesterday, I got over to visit her and found her with all the other woman, sitting in the main lobby.  When the front door opens, all their heads swivel towards the door to see if perhaps their very own visitor has come to see them.  Mom even complained of her neck hurting which I believe is from the constant turning and looking over her shoulder to the door. The longing on her face palatable.  It is not unlike going to the daycare to pick up your toddler.  Each child anxiously looks toward the door in hope it is their parent who has finally come to pick them up. 

I went to sit with her.  I had seen her the last four days in a row.  Probably the first four day stretch in a row I had spent with her since we went on vacation together to Steamboat in 2002.  So, it wasn’t that I hadn’t seen her in a long while.  But she looked startling different.  First, she was dressed in a goofy outfit.  She had on black ankle socks with black little shoes.  She was wearing white summer capris and a hot pink shirt that was on backwards.  And she was just so anxious.  She did not remember I had been there the last few days or that we went out to brunch on Sunday.

When she stood up for me to hug her goodbye I noticed how small and frail she is.  I realize that I look like a Chicago Bears fullback in the pictures with my mom.  I am not that big.  I may be a little big but she is also extremely small. 

I guess it was then that it hit me that she is really not well.  And she is really fragile.  I don’t know how much time I have with her.  It was the first time I really thought she could die anytime.  Made me scared.  When did this all happen, I wanted to shout?  When did my mother disappear? 

I guess I am glad I have not confronted this before.  I am happy she is here for whatever time she has. 

Postscript-In an ironic turn (based upon her outfit du jour) she had been given an award for the “best dressed” resident-who was “pretty in pink”.  Either they did not see her outfit today or based upon some of the others, it still rated high enough to buy her the title.

I feel like it has been a million years since I left Houston on Wednesday afternoon.  It sounds a little ridiculous but selfish person that I am, I am not used to having total care and dependence of anyone on me.  My mother, Midge, has dementia.  Her health is pretty good overall except for some loss of vision.  But the dementia is tough.  When Amber and I got there Thursday she did not know us.  Total blank look in her eyes.  For those of you that haven’t experienced this yet (pray you never do) it is so unnerving, frightening and humbling to have the person who raised you, loved you and was your biggest supporter have no idea who you are.  Once I talk with her, she remembers but will forget again after I leave the room.

We got everything but the last things packed and waited for Friday when the movers would come.  The move was scheduled between 7-8 am.  I left Amber’s around 6:00 to make my way across Denver in the start of the rush hour traffic.   I got to her room and as she ate breakfast, stripped her bed, got the last items ready and waited.  The movers called at 8:00 am to say their truck had broken down but was finally on the way.

Props to Father and Son Movers in Denver-when they got there, they were friendly, efficient and kind.  It didn’t take long to load what was left of 88 years of living into their truck and head back across town to Amber’s.  Every few minutes, mom would ask if I knew someone who could use her furniture.  I would tell her that Amber was excited about having it and how great it would be in their home.  Then she would ask again.

The movers, Momma and I were to back to Amber’s by 10:30 or so.  They got things moved in and were on their way.  Momma was doing okay but not unlike a toddler, you could not leave her alone.  She was confused about where she was, who I was (at one point she talked to me for over five minutes, telling me about her daughter Cindy Davis until finally I interrupted her explaining again who I was).  She is unsteady on her feet so Amber’s stairs were a big concern.  Thankfully, her demeanour is sweet and accommodating. 

Amber’s one-year old daughter got sent home sick from daycare.  Momma and Lexi were similar in a lot of ways.  Momma was easier to deal with and was less likely to have tears, but Lexi was far easier to scoop up and bring along.  That evening Amber, Ryan and Riley went off to a wedding in the mountains, leaving me alone with mom and Lexi.  I was so overwhelmed.   Dinner alone was crazy with Lexi wanting whatever I had not offered and mom eating slowly drinking some white wine. 

Finally, I got mom and Lexi asleep.  I was sharing a double bed with mom to be sure she didn’t get up and wander during the night.  I think I got seven minutes of sleep, spending the last three hours or so on the floor next to the bed.  When Jordyn crowds me in the bed, I simply push her back to her side.  Not such an effective technique with my mom.  I pushed, she stayed in the same place.

We woke up around 5:00 am to head to the airport.  Mom was convinced her husband Jim had come to the house during the night.  I didn’t try to convince her otherwise.  We had stuffed every remaining item in the big suitcase and were way over the 50 pound limit the airline allows.  The bag cost $125 to check.  Almost half the airfare.  Do not overload your bags!! Bring two instead-lesson learned.

The trip was uneventful except when mom needed to use the restroom on the plane.  All those stories of “mile-high” club-don’t believe it.  Mom and I both in the restroom on the plane was close to impossible.  I would also like to say there are a lot of haters (elderly haters) who are incredibly inconvenienced by our slow path. 

Final word on the trip, we had a wheel chair to get her baggage claim but then getting the giant bag and her up to the sixth floor of parking and out to the car took a millennium.  Glacier are formed in the time it took us to get to the car.

We went straight to the nursing home.  I know mom was scared.  She kept asking if we could go to my house instead.  Thank you, God, that I did not decide that it would be a good idea for her to live with me.  I just cannot provide the constant care she needs and deserves.  When we got to the facility the administrator, Brooke, had made a point to come in to be there.  She is a wonderful southern women, very kind and mom took to her instantly.  Lauren, Ally, Jordyn and Kendyll  were there to help move her in and give support.

I think it went as well as it could.  It will be hard.  My mother sees me in some elite status way that I have not earned.  I will do my best for her.  I got home Saturday night and slept the first continuous sleep of many days.  Momma is home.  I did my best.  I hope she is as happy as she can be!

Amber, Lexi and I got to mom’s today to finish the packing and have everything ready for the movers.  There wasn’t a lot left.  We packed a couple of boxes that are winging their way Fed Ex to my house.  We packed a suitcase with what was left of her clothes.

All the drawers are empty.  Clothes set out for tomorrow.  We went over the plan a couple times with both mom and the caregivers.  We were ready to go out to lunch.  Lexi was sick so she was a little grumpy and mom seemed pretty overwhelmed with the whole move thing.  She is very positive and I think ready to go but not really clear on how it will all work.  We had discussed the furniture going to Amber’s and the movers being there first thing in the morning.  Still she would ask again if we were throwing away the furniture.

Amber took a couple of suitcases and Lexi down to the car and mom and I were making our way (slowly) there as well.  As we got to the elevator, she got worried it would be too cold outside.  We got to the outside door.  She took one step outside.  “I can’t go.  It is way too hot!”  And so we didn’t.  Oh, boy-if she thinks its hot in Denver, we may never go outside again once we get to Texas.

In just about a week, I will be off to Denver to pack the final pieces of my mother’s life and travel with her back to Houston.  My mother and I have not lived in the same city (the last one was Denver) in 33 years.  We have been close, especially since my sister’s death almost 30 years ago now.  No matter where we were physically, I have managed to talk to her daily (with few exceptions) for the last five years or so.

Mom and I in Arizona-December 2011

Still, it will be different.  And so much of both of our history’s is gone.  First, when she moved from our family home on Oneida Street down the way to the new townhome on Oneida Way, many things were lost, discarded or given away.  Especially things of my fathers and things from my sister’s and my childhood.  I wish I had saved more of my dad’s things, more pictures, more of Betty’s and my books and school things.  I was living in Florida then and it was a long way from Denver.  Mom was going from a large house to a small townhome and storage was at a premium.

Two years ago, I should have known better but got worn out in the long process of cleaning out cupboards, closets, china cabinets and basement boxes.  Things that never should have been given away, were, things that were very important to my mother and her life.  But they were just things.  Things I am sure I will want to one day lay my hands on and show Riley, Jordyn and the rest of the grandkids.  But they are things I do not have.

My dad and mom-the best hosts

My parents were master entertainers.  Always hosting one party or another, my home growing up was filled with great food and good times.  All of the trappings that helped set up for a great party, like silver, china, serving platters and barware are gone.  I think Amber may have one set of dishes and a few crystal glasses.  It is not my lifestyle but it would have been good if I could have saved more of those things in case someone wanted them later. 

Mom will come here with a few boxes, a suitcase and some files. Not much after living 88 full years.  I hope she is pleased with her new furniture and room.  I am trying to remember the little things, like her favorite perfume (Nina Ricci-L’Air du Temps), her favorite soaps, handcreams and lip protector.  I have not done all I could have while she was in Denver to surround her with the things she loves.  I will try to do better.

She and husband, Jim are having some difficult times.  I think he is having trouble now (that everything is said and done) letting her go.  She cannot forgive him for making the decision to live without her (although it was tough as she needed more care than he and couldn’t travel and do the things he still can).  I just want to get through this next week and get her safely on a plane headed home.

Mom and part of her family-from left; sister Bill, sister Nova, her mother, sister Betty and mom

She is struggling and confused.  I know this will only increase as move day and those immediately beyond pass.   Of nine children, born on a little Oklahoma farm, she is the only child still alive.  She is the end of the line of the Bransons-but she is still strong, yet gentle, and caring.  Please pray for her and her peace of mind as she makes this last move.

It is August now and less than one month until my mother leaves Colorado and comes to Texas.  Realistically, she may never return to her beloved mountains.  Travelling anywhere much beyond our county line will be limited by her condition and mental state.

I am very overwhelmed with the whole move.  I am buying new furniture, new sheets, towels, lamps, setting up cable and new phone service.  It is not unlike so many of you that have gotten your teenager off to college.  Except I am not really asking her opinion on anything-nor will I receive it.  I guess that would make it way different than the whole college dorm thing. I am sure teenagers are all about giving feedback on what they want-my daughter sure is. My mother loves pink so keeping things bright and colorful (and pink) are the first priority.

I will go out to see her next week.  Lauren and I will pack what she can do without for the next couple of weeks and get it sent back here.  Ally and her girls are coming along for the trip so it will be good to have my little family (mostly) in one spot.  Then at the end of the month, I will return, alone, to pack what is remaining.  The movers will come early on the morning of the 31st.  Any furniture will go to Amber’s (if she wants it or not).

I will help orchestrate the movers, keep mom calm, and get ready to go back to Texas the next day.  I suspect the night may be difficult for my mom.  She gets confused in a new place and Amber has a two-story.  I will sleep in the same room with her and get through the night together.  We have an early flight on Saturday.  The airport confusion should be a little challenging as well.  Once we get into Houston, then we have a 100 mile drive “home”.  I was freaking out last night that the assisted living facility would not have new patient admissions on the weekend.  An email to my new friend, Brooke, the administrator, assures me they will be waiting for her arrival and ready to help.

Life is funny.  Years ago, when my family made our home outside Chicago, I would have never dreamed my mom and I would end up in a little town of 5000 people in south Texas.  Certainly, this town has become home to Lauren and me.

As GeorgeStrait sang-

I’ll be somewhere down in Texas if you’re lookin’ for me,
Drinkin’ in that great wide-open… soakin’ up the summer breeze.
Kickin’ back an’ settled in with my family.
I’ll be somewhere down in Texas if you’re lookin’ for me.

I hope my mother, over time, becomes happy here as well.  Please continue your prayers; this is going to be a rough time for her as she makes this adjustment