Category Archives: Losing my mother-the advancement of Alzheimers

Stories of my 89-year old mother’s daily, weekly and continuing fights with dementia and alzheimzers.

What’s up with Momma

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Jordyn taking Nanny down to dinner.

As shown above mom has been in a wheelchair for several weeks.  Jordyn has enjoyed taking her around and has gotten quite adebt at it.  I love this picture!

Now, mom has started walking again.  As completely as she had taken to the wheelchair she has now left it. She is getting along pretty well.  Yesterday was a good day mentally and she enjoyed the recent letter and pictures from Jim and Jay.

Over the weekend, Ally, Luke and the girls joined Lauren, mom and I for Sunday dinner.  Mom loves seeing the kids and seems to enjoy my cooking (I have a limited but successful number of dishes to serve). 

Ally and Lauren took mom back home after dinner.  Upon arriving at the nursing home, mom takes great pride in introducing her family to the other residents and caregivers.  Ally was a little taken back when Lauren was introduced as her granddaughter but Ally was “Jordyn’s mother”.  I am happy she was remembering the relationship between Ally and Jordyn.  Ally, I am sure, will have a lot of time to get used to be known as “Jordyn’s Mom”.

Tonight was bale hay night so I did not get to mom’s.  she called frantically asking if someone could please come get from the awful place she was in.  It seems whenever I miss a night, we go backwards.  I will catch up with her tomorrow and hope to get the positive track flowing.

All Around

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New fence-sun going down on another day

The world is spinning.  I will update on the latest events that have been going on here at the farm.

Momma has had a good week following her deep dive into the world of Alzheimer’s last Saturday.  The nursing home had to move her room around due to some state regulations and that left her a little confused.  She awakened and fell Wednesday night.  We had a trip to the hospital but she is okay with sore back.  Thank God it was not worse.  That said, she has been brighter this week.  Actually, in spite of the fall, getting out of the wheelchair more and being more active.  Jim and Jay sent her three boxes of clothes from Arizona and I cannot wait for her to see them today.  She has been so excited just anticipating them.   She looked real pretty last night, in pink of course, excited about dinner.  She has been getting some cards and loves to look at them over and over.  Message me for her address if you would like to send her a card.  It means a lot to her.

I have been troubled by a rash and pain in my leg.  The doctor confirmed that I have shingles and it is slowing me down significantly.  The drugs are starting to kick in and I am just now feeling a little better.

The fences are done.  The gravel and sand have been delivered, dumped and grated.  The weather changed this morning with cooler weather and rain expected.  I think all these wonderful updates will help get us through the winter, higher and drier.

Caitlyn is off to Washington D.C. to ride the Washington International Horse Show Medal final.  She had a stellar ride in the hunter phase today.  Tomorrow will be the jumper phase (the area that she and her horse usually excel in) and then those called back for the final will ride Sunday.  The horses are stalled in tents on the hard pavement of the Capital’s roads.  I do not think most horses would have adjusted as well as KY.  I am sending my prayers for Godspeed and great rounds.  If you want to watch an amazing horse jump feat tune in tonight for the Puissance live at www.WIHS.org  

Tonight is the salute to the Military and features the heart-stopping Puissance competition. Horses will jump the great wall until only one horse remains without knocking it down. The Washington International is one of the few remaining shows in the US to offer this class. The record to beat is 7’ 7-1/2,” set at Washington in 1986.

It should be on live about 8:00 pm central time.

Jordyn is coming to visit granny.  Tomorrow we will ride and Lauren is off to a haunted house.  Sunday will be a family dinner.  And we just found out that maybe Amber, Ryan and the kids might be able to make a quick stop in Texas for the Christmas holiday.  Yay!

Life goes on.

Mr. Alz Launches a Blizzard

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Saturday when I got to mom’s one of the aides was busy with her, helping her wash her hands.  I have to say from an ego standpoint, that the moment in each day when she figures out I have come to visit is a big one for me.  Normally, she will look intensely at me, I will say “hi, momma” and she will say “Cindy!! This is the best surprise ever.  You came at exactly the right time”.  With that kind of feedback, it is wonderful to be there each day.

Friday I did not make it over to see her.  We got tied up at the horse show and did not get back until late.  I could have gotten over there but I didn’t.  I was tired and worn out, but so what.

When mom turned away from the sink, there was none of the searching in her eyes.  I think she thought I was just another person that worked there. I told her who I was-still nothing.  She wasn’t tracking along with anything I was saying.  Old Mr. Alz was sending the snow deeply in her mind and I was not breaking through. 

I mentioned that Jim and Jay were coming after Thanksgiving.  She wanted to talk about the stain on her pants and how we should soak it best for it to come out in the wash.  Except I did not see a stain and I do her wash.  I was excited to tell her that three of her favorite people from the church in Denver had reached me (Elysee, Shirley and Adele) and wanted to call her.  I told her about their emails and promised to read them soon.  I got nothing from her.  She tried several times to get up from the wheelchair and go work on that imaginary stain.  I was afraid she would fall.

I brought out my best and most exciting thing-going out to dinner on Sunday after the horse show.  Nothing.  She said she needed to use the restroom.  Finally, I got her ready for dinner at the facility the best I could.  Even the little things like smelling her favorite perfume were not penetrating the storm that Mr. Alz had brought -not today.

I was heart-sick when I left her.  She had dutifully kissed me goodbye but it was empty like being forced to kiss that creepy relative when you are young.  I sent my girls a text message.

I blamed myself for not visiting the day before.  I was worried sick that I had seen the last of my mother, that I had lost the little pieces that were left.  The blizzard was storming hard around her brain taking the little she had left of memory and leaving this little shell.  I talked with Amber and she told me that probably there would be more days like this but still some days where she might know me. 

I know this is just my individual experience and so many have faced this before me.  I have lost my mother and grieved for her so many times as Mr. Alz has rained down on her. 

Yesterday, she was back to some degree, infinitely better than Saturday but not like the week before.  She recognized Lauren and called her by name.  It was a good day. 

I wish I could banish Mr. Alz and all his tricks.  I would give my mother peace of mind if only I could.  The best I can do now is ride out the storms by her side and try to keep her safe as I can.

Busy times!

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I will miss you, little one.

I started out Friday afternoon not with some much needed time off  but meeting Lauren at the orthopedic surgeon where she had taken my mother for her hip.  I was taking over the appointment wait.  I was hoping by the time I got there they would have completed the visit and she would be ready to go home. It was not going to work out that way.

Lauren left.  Mom and I waited some more.  There were at least five other people in the waiting room.  Her appointment was at 2:15 and we got sent to the exam room at 4:30.  Then we waited some more.  I am pretty sure mom had no idea where we were or what we were waiting for.  Finally, long after dinner had been served at her facility, Dr. Chau came in to see us.   He said there was some arthritis in the hip but it looked pretty good.  Then he started moving her leg around.  From the horrified expression on her face, it was obvious it hurt, a lot!  He showed me how swollen her knee was (we had just been focused on the hip).  He decided to give her an injection in the knee.  Wow, I have had my shoulder injected numerous times but I did not see the needle slide two inches into through my arm.  Don’t ever watch if you need this done-EVER! WOW!  It was now moving toward 6:00 and he wanted us to stay and see how she did with the shot.  She seemed to be moving better but hadn’t walked in ten days so her balance was all off.

I knew I would need to get her dinner.  There are not a lot of choices and I just wanted to go home.  I suggested we get McDonalds and go back to her room and eat.  First she asked, “What is McDonalds?”  then she asked, “can we get a drink here” and she did not mean diet coke.  She probably needed a drink after that shot.

We got her back to the facility, ate our McDonalds (she loved the chocolate shake) and I got her settled in for bed. 

Saturday we took Mimi, the pony, to Sarah’s for a month of training.  I am just too busy with work and my mom to really get this pony started.  I know Sarah will get her started right.  It was ironic though, everything that Feather did poorly (load, fly spray, tie), Mimi did well.  And everything Mimi did poorly (lunge, be ridden, be sweet) Feather did well.  The road trip with trailer took us a good four hours.

Lauren and I rode Feather and Mickey in the afternoon.  We are getting real close to the “A” show this weekend so Lauren wanted to ride Mickey.  It was real windy and Feather kept spooking at everything.  I was feeling pretty old by the time I headed out to my visit to mom.  I had received the news that my mom’s niece, Geneva had died.  I knew she was always close to Geneva and was worrying about how she would take the news.

When I got to the facility, Mom was in her wheelchair with her purse and a big blanket next to her.  She was wide-eyed and nervous.  She had heard that the center needed to be evacuated and that she needed to have something warm because it was going to be so cold.  First, it was over 90 degrees, second, we were not going anywhere.  I have rarely seen her as agitated as she was that day.  I felt so bad for her.  She was so confused and upset.  When I tried to tell her about Geneva-it went right past her.  I finally got her to the dining room and handed her off to the aides there.  Walking out, two ladies stopped me and asked me if I had heard that the Catholic parishioners were coming to attack them and would hurt them.  Apparently, everyone was drinking the same paranoid Kool-aid.  One lady even asked me to examine her little dog as the parishioner had already gotten him (not really).  I was exhausted by Saturday night.

Sunday saw us watching a lot of the USEF network waiting for Caitlyn to ride.  We did get out to meet Ally, Jordyn and Kendyll at a cafe in Needville for lunch.  Lauren and I picked up mom and she was like a new person.  She enjoyed the drive and great food.  Her favorite was the homemade peach cobbler with ice cream.

We talked about Geneva and she told me how much she had loved her and enjoyed being with her over the years.  She has lots of other nieces and nephews who are still alive, but Geneva was more the age of her sisters and they all used to run together when she was in Oklahoma.

After we got home, we watched some more rounds in Harrisburg (including Caitie’s) and then Lauren went off to her boyfriend’s for the evening.  I was looking forward to the undefeated Texans beating Green Bay.  Well, I gave up on that after the first quarter. 

I killed my favorite kitten this morning.  It was up in my car and dropped out of the engine as I drove off in the dark.  I u-turned to go back but she was lying helpless on the road-I had run over her.  I took her back to the house and settled her in blankets.  Lauren told me she was dead by 7:00 am when she checked on her. I had really loved this little one-I will miss her.

Outings

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Today found Lauren  and Mickey off to Dev’s for the final tune-up before next week’s show.  They had a good lesson, in fact, I believe Dev may have said Mickey was as good as he has ever looked.  Wow.  Not where I thought we would be after our summer off work.  I am very pleased.

Today found me taking my mother to the nail salon.  She had “fake” nails on and has had them (not the same ones) for many years.  I have needed to get them off of her but have not been able to get her to the salon.  I was frightened about what we would find under the “fake” nails.  And not to be too graphic but I am unclear if my mom has had a pedicure since leaving Tucson last March.  I was not going to take that on and none of my daughters were volunteering.

The trip to the nail salon was a huge success with newly painted hot pink toes and finger nails.  I am pretty sure she kissed the nail girl goodbye.

Successful outings all around.

Families

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The Davis Family last October-from me clockwise-Ally, Jordyn, Luke, Riley, Amber, Lexi, Ryan, Blake and Lauren

Families are built day by day, year by year with actions, words and inevitably with memories.  In the beginning, as babies then as children, teens and young adults in many ways we are formed and molded by our home lives.  Our parents, friends and environment all have an impact on us. 

No one has a perfect life and many come from horrible situations and manage to overcome them.  We all know stories of people who have risen from nothing to be successful or brilliant. 

While I understand I have been very fortunate, in the home in which I was raised, to the opportunities for education, and the support I always received, whether I deserved it or not, I have battled many issues in my life. 

This month marks 14 years since I separated from my now ex-husband.  We are both better off without the other.  My children perhaps would have been better off in a two-parent home but I could not give that to them.  As a single mother, I have raised three girls, now 30, 24 and 19 years of age.  I don’t know who had it the worst, the oldest one who had some great memories of two supportive parents, the middle child who had some solid years as a part of a family or my youngest who has little memory of ever having a ‘real’ family.  Is it better to have known a family and lose it or never to have known it at all?  I know there were/are disadvantages to the lives of all my children.

Life is a funny thing.  While the years are moving along, we accept the status quo and complain about the weather, our job or politics.  Retrospectively, it is easy to compartmentalize certain periods of our lives, like when the kids were little, or when we lived in this house or that city. 

Please forgive my ramblings.  I continue to try to make sense of the Alzheimer world my mother lives in now.  I have been forced into introspection  about what is family, who supports whom, what are the roles, how do we manage when the roles change. 

In an instant, with an unintended action, bad memories can flood us. We are returned to a time when we were all different people.  It is so easy to allow fighting to hurt one of our family members senselessly.  It is hard to regain the ground we took years to level.  A place where we all are safe and secure in the love of one another.

Families are like that, you know, built of feathers and molded without cement.  They can blown apart by strong north wind.  But I hope each time the wind settles, the family will come back again, stronger.  The rain will stop and hopefully what is left is shiny and new and not too badly eroded away. 

I hope my family continues to build with our new roles and love to strengthen our ties.

Momma’s friend Mr. Alz

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Kendyll is not quite three months old but looks big next to my momma

I am learning so much about the world of the elderly and with it the world of Alzheimer’s.  I had not had much access to my momma in the past.

Sure I called every day but it is easy on a phone from miles away to not notice the little things.  Now seeing her every day, the patterns emerge and what you thought was just an odd comment is more of the norm the altered reality of life with momma with her constant companion-Mr. Alz.

Some days she seems fine and almost can tell who I am before I introduce myself.  Other days, like yesterday, her eyes are wild and frightened,  her reality is so warped. Nightmares play out in scenes of normalcy.  Things she thinks are beyond belief, crazy. 

The odd part is that the most re-occurring belief is one of persecution.  Everyday she has a story of how she was left out, belittled or bullied.  I have learned these things do not happen.

Saturday we brought her new clothes and in child-like abandon, she tried on new things and her smile lit all the way to her eyes.  She said it was like “Midge Brown’s birthday”.

Yesterday, we found her frantic by her doorway.  She had been dressed in pants with zippers and buttons.  She could not manage them herself. She did not understand.  She thought she had gotten too fat to get the pants down over her hips.  We took all the zippered pants away yesterday.

She seemed subdued yesterday.  But she wanted to see baby Kendyll.  A great-grandma holding her great grandchild.  It was a special moment.   A rare moment these days when the clouds have not settled too close to her brain.

I worry constantly now.  It is another gift of having her close by.  I can no longer act as if all is okay.  And the guilt.  It is overwhelming.  No matter how often I see her, no matter what I try to do, I feel I should do more.  It is not enough.  It can never be enough.

I have learned some things in this time about decency and kindness.  I have learned to greet each patient with a smile.  I try to remember their names and their stories.  So as I walk the halls with my momma, perhaps I can acknowledge someone else’s parent with their name and a remembrance of some of their personal history.

Perhaps it is the best I can do.

Habits

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Kena and Lula have a habit of sleeping after dinner.

They say it takes three weeks to build a new habit.  I have pondered this in many situations over the years.  Like when I decided to quit eating red meat.  It was hard but after three weeks, it really didn’t matter. Of course, I just managed to do this for Lent, but still. Then there was when I started swimming laps again, it was so hard to get myself to the pool but  after going twice a week for three weeks it just kicked in.  It became easier.  It became a habit. 

I have now had my mom here for over three weeks.  My schedule and routine (of which I am little obsessive compulsive) had to change.  It was really hard for me.  To be able to get to my mom’s every day I could-which I have now decided is every day but Tuesdays (Lauren goes on Tuesdays) and at the best time for her and I (the hour right before dinner), I had to adjust my work hours (thank goodness for the ability to do so).  But I had the most difficulty with adjusting my sleep schedule so that I got up an hour earlier each day.  I now get up at 4:00 am.  Yes, every day because horses are creatures of habit and creatures of habit with bad stomachs that act up when not treated in a routine manner. So, I feed them and the rest of the animals at the same time every morning.   I do go back to sleep on the weekends-I am not crazy.

All and all, the new routine is working fine.  I actually wake up on my own, no alarms, at the appointed hour.  My internal clock has re-set.  The day moves along quickly and I am usually at my mom’s close to 4:00 pm.  It gives her something to count on that I will come most days before her dinner.  We can visit and then I can walk her to dinner being sure she is set up in her spot in the dining room.

We have a new routine at the barn as well with Mickey back in the work rotation.  On the days Lauren has school, we ride in the evening.  Saddling up everyone but Kid.  She works one horse and I, the other.  Whichever one I ride Lauren will get on at the end and do a little more fast work or jumping.  Then I get Mimi going, doing some ground work.  Some man pulled off the road in his truck last night and watched us work the horses.  We got that a lot when we first moved to our little farm.  I could just imagine the conversations in those trucks.  “Hey, have you seen them jumping horses?”  “Isn’t that something!” 

Last night it was probably perplexing to the watcher, as I was lunging Mimi, moving her around in a circle at a walk and a trot. I was really pushing her, trying to get her to break into a canter.  I am sure I was quite comical as viewed from the road.  I had my whip in one hand, the lunge line in the other and was walking along behind the pony urging her forward.  When the horse gets good at this, (as my old boy Cupid was) you could stand still in the center of the circle and the horse would walk, trot and canter at your bidding.  Mimi and I are not even close to that kind of effortless work.  I think I get as much exercise as she does.  As I pushed her along to try to get her moving faster, I had to move faster as well.  It was successful, she cantered for the first time, but I got dizzy-going round in circles and a real workout.

The horses, just like me, are getting used to the new routine.  For Feather and the Mimi, getting them to understand that there is work to be done most days, is important.  Some days we do not get much further than saddling and have them stand in the arena but it is all part of their education and I think their acceptance of work. Spontaneity is not my best attribute.  In three weeks, lacking any vet decreeing otherwise, Mickey will head back to the show ring.  We will see if everyone is settled in the routine by then.  I can’t wait to see how far little Mimi has come.

Traditions

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With my mother here we are starting new traditions.  I need to find out what time the Texans play (who would have ever thought that would matter) next Sunday so we can plan if it is a brunch or dinner get together day.  If the Texans play early than I know better than to invite Luke, Ally and family down for brunch-it isn’t going to happen.  But maybe if it is a later start time, we can all be together for an early brunch at the small restaurant near our house.  Previously, Sundays were pretty much spent at horse shows and if not at horse shows than doing chores with horses.

Now, with momma here, it is a good day to pick her up from the nursing home and take her out.  A week ago we did the brunch thing and this week I cooked.  Lauren and I, alone, have not been big on any kind of Sunday dinner.  I remember when we would visit Oklahoma when I was a child and my grandma would make fried chicken and cream gravy.  I will never forget it.  So, so good!  Yesterday, I made a chicken with wine and mushroom thing.  Lauren seemed surprised it was good.  She remarked, “I didn’t know you could cook”.  Guess I have kept that hidden pretty well.

It felt pretty good to sit down at the Sunday table (which we never use) with my mom and daughter.  We even said grace.  It would be nice to have that Sunday tradition with my grandchildren.  Maybe they will look back and recall how great granny’s food was, I would never try fried chicken and cream gravy, I could never do justice to that but maybe I still have a few good meals to serve.

Nellie at seven weeks.

In another type of tradition, Ryan and Amber’s family got a new Irish Wolfhound.  The third Wolfhound that has been in our family. Nellie, who Ryan is calling Nellie Belle came home from Steamboat to Denver this week.  This is our first female Wolfhound and at eight weeks and almost as big as their cocker spaniel, Nellie will be a big presence in the family. 

Nellie meeting her new brother, Bailey. She will be the “big” sister soon.

I am hoping they will have many, many great years with their new girl.  Great traditions come from memories.  Lots of great Irish Wolfhound memories in this house.  Congratulations to them and to Nellie-she couldn’t have gotten a better home. 

Nothing special but it was!

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It was a good weekend at Six Meadow Farm maybe not because we did anything special but because we did not.  It was a weekend for chores and horses and family.

Friday I got momma to the doctor for the first time in Texas and she was pronounced healthy and doing well except for needing to eat a little more.  We can work on that.    Then I picked up Jordyn for a sleepover.  I don’t often express it, but am so grateful and humbled to be able to share my life with my grandchildren.  I look forward to Jo’s visit all week-long. 

Friday night, Jordyn was determined to ride the new pony Mimi.  It had not worked out the week before with schedules so we were going to do it first thing this week.  Lauren and I saddled up Mimi, Mickey and Feather with Jordyn knowledgeably helping brush and groom. All the horses were a little fresh and I was skeptical about letting Jo get on Mimi.  Remember, this is a young, and for all intents and purposes, unbroken horse.  Mimi also has a history of dropping her riders to the ground.  But Jordyn was determined.  I was determined to hold on to Mimi no matter what.  We went to the mounting block and Jo climbed aboard.  For a moment, I thought we might be in trouble and then Mimi seemed to make her mind up that she would cooperate with Jordyn.  So, off we went.  Mimi was a trooper.  Jordyn was very proud of herself.  It was a little inspiring to watch them (or would be if Jo had any idea how fast Mimi could have put her on the ground).

After that, Jo rode (sat on while we walked around) both Mickey and Feather.  Big stuff.  Mickey and Feather worked well for Lauren.

My email pinged as we went in with word from University of California that Mickey does not have the Impressive disease-he is HYPP/NN.  Amazing news.  I am so grateful that we will not have to fight the HYPP battle.

Saturday we went to the Equestrian Center to take a saddle to be checked, take some shots for Snowboy (Dev will give later) and to watch a few rounds of the show.  It felt odd not to be able to be there with Mickey.  Hopefully, he will be back soon.  The high point for Jordyn was to be able to see and then meet part of the family that is related to Harry DeLeyer the owner of Snowman, for whom the book the Eighty Dollar Champion was written.  Snowman, The Cinderella Horse, (a children’s book about the same horse) is Jo’s favorite book.  She studiously shook hands with young AJ DeLeyer and seemed a little in awe.  AJ told us his grandfather would be coming to Houston in January to do a motivational speech.  Count the Davis’ in-I would love to meet this man who won the national championship on a horse he bought from the butcher for $80.

Later Lauren and I visited Nanny.  She was so excited to see us.  I just want to go to see her face light up.

We rode Mickey and Feather out on the hay road.  I don’t want to jinx myself but he did not cough once.  We had several good long trots.  It was a beautiful evening. 

Really glad I did not walk through this on my way to feed this morning!

This morning we got up to heavy fog with sun starting to peek through.  Nature had been busy overnight spinning webs that shone in the morning light. 

Today, as we started getting the horses ready to ride, everyone was acting goofy.  Feather has never done well with tying but today she reared multiple times and was just acting dumb.  Mickey and Mimi were not incredibly agreeable either.   I rode Feather (who is much easier to ride since all Dev’s and Lauren’s work).  We picked up the right lead (her tough one) the first time!  Lauren had a good solid ride on Mickey and the coughing was minimal.  Bravo!

We rounded out the morning with Lauren getting on Mimi and taking her on her first trot.  Mimi is doing very well.

I went and picked up my mom and she came to watch her Broncos play my Texans.  We figured out she had lived over 50 years in Denver so she was cheering on Denver as I cheered for the Texans.  Texans won-yeah!  Denver needs to knock off the whole trying to kill our quarterback thing.

I made an old recipe of my sister’s that mom seemed to really enjoy.  It was a nice change to have a good Sunday dinner.  Might want to make it our new traditions.  So good have her here, in my life.